Love yourself girl, yeah right.

She’s always had this feeling of longing. She’s never been able to go to bed without telling someone good night. She’s never been a day without telling someone her thoughts at every minute. She’s addicted to be heard, to being wanted, to being loved. Even in grade school, it was one boyfriend to the next. Every time she thought this was the one. This was it. He was….. not the one. But look at that guy, he could be the one. And so on and so on.

Maybe it was because she grew up with two parents that rarely showed love to each other, has she even see them kiss in her 19 years of being alive? Maybe it’s because her brother seemed to be in a 2 year, 3 year, 4 year relationship throughout middle and high school. She wanted that, too. That feeling of having someone there for you, no matter what, somebody to kiss you and tell you your flaws make you beautiful.

But, finding that lasting love is trialing and draining. Nobody had the same mindset as her, she never wanted to just have fun… She wanted that love, not lust. So, she settled with what she could get and numbed her disappointment with various media. When she realized what cough syrup could do you if you drank enough, well that was it, that was what she chased, it was amazing. Then she found some pain killers in the medicine cabinet, a quick goggle search led her to taking 2 or 3 at a time, chasing it with some cough syrup and letting the fantasies take center stage.

However, the reason why she was searching for love so badly started to surface and soon enough, she couldn’t ignore it anymore. She couldn’t find a way to love herself, was that really it? But, maybe someone else could show her how to. She kept settling… and settling… and sett….sipping, swallowing and passing out.

She couldn’t find someone to love her the way she wanted, she couldn’t love herself the way she should have, she could only keep chasing the one thing she knew she could get.

By then it became a routine, every night before bed. Then every morning she would puke her guts out and text her latest infatuation “good morning *insert pet name here*!!”. It wasn’t enough though, it was never enough. She kept getting her heart broken because damnit, NOBODY would just love her the way she wanted so badly to be loved. So, she kept up the routine and found another guy to try and get him to love her. 

What she doesn’t know is one day she will find that guy, but by then she’ll be so used to her regular routine she’ll overlook him and keep moving. Keeping up that routine. She’ll be the hopeless romantic that’s too hopeless to realize what she has right in front of her. She’ll forever be searching for the love that she obliviously passed by.

the one to blame

she shakes her head, her fingers tangling her hair, her tears hanging onto her cheeks. she can’t decide, she can’t decide, the anxiety is building from her chest, her throat, her mouth, she vomits. it’s been on her mind for a year now and ever since he came back she can’t hide any longer.

what do you want? tell me what you want.

those words he said to her keep ringing in her ears like a skipping record.

she wasn’t sure, she still isn’t. so how do you even sort out your feelings?

she knows she’ll end up hurting someone either way, the guilt is mounting. he feels bad? well she feels worse.

……

 

days go by and yet there’s still this lump in the pit of her stomach telling her she needs to find out what is real and what is not. looking back on her memories with him she realizes half the things he told her were lies, she realizes he has been manipulating her this whole time. always leaving her with a one liner that cuts her the deepest, to playing mind games from afar, to pretending that he’s been in love ever since the start even though he had fallen in love since then.

she realizes the other has been patiently waiting, calmly loving and always there whenever she asks and even when she doesn’t.

she realizes she’s been the one to blame, the one making a mountain out of a molehill.

he feels bad… well she feels worse.

Is the is?

tears wont fall.
life wont stop.
hearts wont break.

i still reach out.
feeling the empty air.
feeling for something that used to be there.

i miss that presence.
i don’t want to forget your essence.

breath doesn’t come easily.
my heart beats out of my chest.
my ears wait for your sweet voice.
existence holds no importance
i only live for remembering.
because my past now overtakes my present.
your return is merely a dream.
overdosing on memories only takes me farther into the numbness.

another day passes.
more people try to pull me out.
life is now a game.
how many people can i fool?

my hands shake.
the red ending is near.
im oblivious to words.
the look on your face stays with me.
but my lids are now closing, for the last time.

tears will fall.
life will stop.
hearts will break.

Giving In

her eyes locked with his. those deep brown eyes would never let her go. she always found her way back into them no matter how hard she tried not to. at first it was a harmless temptation, but now it happens against her will. some magnetic pull brings them together. she believes in everything happens for a reason, so does he. he’s pulled in by her gaze and can’t help but grab her hand and sneak her behind the house. sounds of the party rage on but for this moment they seem to lose themselves. he grabs her hand, her waist, her face. she shyly looks down and mumbles a couple protests, but she knows she’s done fighting it. its been so long and yet these feelings still are lingering unmoved by all the attempts to stop whatever was going on between them. she can’t help but know things were meant to unfold like this. all she had to do was wait. 

his lips finally meet hers. something they have fought for over two years. this one moment has been prolonged and put off till the feelings inside both of them were about to combust. inside her head she sighing from relief, but her heart is beating like a maniac. what will be next? she knows this one kiss has ended two years of constant temptation but never giving in. it has also started a lifetime of new possibilities. 

The Canyons

things are a lot different when you’re on your own. she used to think about running away, she used to think about being checked on during the night, she used to know somebody was listening and always thinking about her. now that she’s on her own she could do anything and not be noticed by anyone. there’s nobody to notice she’s ran away, there’s nobody to notice that she might have taken one too many pills, there’s nobody to hear her cries late at night. 

the days go by fast, the nights drag on till dawn. she sees an endless road with canyons in the background and a little girl walking along, carrying a limp teddy bear. the little girl looks back and sees her, the little girl looks towards the canyons, back towards her and keeps walking. intrigued, she follows the little girl. she looks down and her scabbed feet then looks back up and sees nothing. the little girl is gone. she looks to her hand and notices she’s holding a limp teddy bear.

in her mind it all makes sense. why didn’t she leave sooner? why did she leave at all? so i guess it really doesn’t make any sense. 

all she wanted was freedom, all she wanted was to get away from these feelings that weigh down on her chest like a fucking elephant. a new start, she thought, would be the cure-all. now she knows she’s still that little girl walking towards the big canyons that she thought were going to solve all her problems. she’s still that little girl that holds onto her teddy bear, limp from all the tears it has dried. her eyelids still scratched and marked from rubbing his rough hairs across them. what she didn’t realize was the whole entire time she was walking, running, sprinting for those canyons there was nothing on the other side. just a huge drop off, nothing but a complete, forceful fall. 

 

there are days when you just feel like crying. one of those days is today, for me. i sit upstairs while i hear the sounds of laughter erupt downstairs. i isolate myself, i lose myself in myself, my mind stares, my eyes think. i just cry, i just let it seep out, i don’t try and stop it. trying to stop yourself from crying is like trying to stop yourself from loving someone, it just can’t be done. i wish i wouldn’t let myself act this way, depression creeps in like a shadow and cloaks my being until im nothing but nothing. i am, i was, i will be, but i will never stop these episodes. foreverbe at the mercy of me.

in a matter of days ill be 19, and i couldnt be more ready. for me, a birthday is the start of a new year.. more important than the actual “new years” day. i’ll have another year of experience under my belt, and will be progressing to the next year of learning new things and experiencing the good and bad. i like to think i will leave my past experiences in the past, that my life while i was 18 will be nothing but a memory of growth and change. it was a year that i learned a lot about myself so i will keep the lessons learned in the forefront of my mind but i know the experiences associated with those lessons will be long gone. i want to look forward to a new chapter with mackey. i want to focus on making our relationship better than ever by keeping up the spontaneity, staying faithful, working on trust, continuing to travel the country and create a blogsworth of experiences with him! i know i will have plenty to write about, and i can’t wait to look back on all my writings and be reminded of how truly in love with him i am. i may be tempted by mohammed but i know i could never leave mackey… i could never make that mistake of hurting the person i care so deeply for and that i am so crazily in love with. i need to keep in mind how hurt i would be if i read texts from mackey to another girl flirting with her, or if i saw him flirting with another girl at a party. i should be more respectful of him, even if he trusts me and i trust myself, i still shouldn’t flirt with moe.. no matter how harmless it may be. something as simple as a flirtatious gaze would even hurt me if mackey were doing it to another girl. my mackey is an amazing man.. he can’t be topped by any other person. and this year with him will be endless memory making. and ill be right here with him a year from now, closer to our dreams of moving in together, going to grad school together and achieving all our goals together. so, here’s to my 19 years of learning and living, all leading me to the one man who i will spend the rest of my years with. somehow, no matter how hard i try, all i write about is mackey. what can i say? im in love. 

when i think about the future, i think about you. sometimes i feel torn.. sometimes i feel like i might not be making the right decision. then i think to the future, i think about who i will be having my kids with, i think about who i will be buying my first home with, i think about who i will have dinner ready for every night and my mind goes to you. i know we wont have a perfect relationship, but i know that we will both try our best to make it the most perfect we can get it. we rarely fight, we rarely make each other feel bad, you bring nothing but happiness to my life. i love you so much, it’s such a pure and untainted love that we posses. it’s nothing but bliss when we are around each other. you make life fun to live and i look forward to so much with you. i love you mackey, always and forever. it’s almost been a year… im ready for so many more to come. 

for some reason i find myself looking back, still a little torn about the subject. it’s like when a memory appears from the dust, my heart still aches a little.. i still feel close to tears. maybe i’ll never figure out why, but i’m hoping to find an answer.

To My Love

I love you. I love everything about you. I love how we met, I love that we both were at the right place in life to let each other in. You were my one chance to let go of the past and I, yours. I think about you all day, every day and I really mean that. I am infatuated with you. I think about your soft eyes, the way they crinkle up when you laugh at me. Your gorgeous grin and the little chin hairs that dangle from the contours of your face. I’m so in love. I can’t even say it enough. I know we’ve been through a lot but compared to the life we face, it will be nothing but an obstacle we overcame. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, Mackey. When I was younger I would list what I wanted in a husband… Seems like God got that list and sent you my way. I never want you to leave, I would be at a complete loss if you did. I can’t imagine life without you.. and when you find that one person you’re supposed to be with I think that’s how your life outlook turns out to be… You can’t possibly imagine tomorrow without that one person by your side. I know this is rambling, but hopefully one day I’ll be able to make sense of it all and really explain to you how strongly I feel about you. Love isn’t enough anymore, that one word can’t possibly convey to you how I feel about you, us, our relationship, our family, our past, our future, our whole entire lives together all laid out right in front of our young feet. It’s going to be so much fun, I know it will. And now that I have the one person I want to experience the rest of life with, I will never let you go. I will never let jealousy or distrust or suspicion or anything get in the way. I give myself to you, I give my all to you no matter the circumstance. I will always stand by you and I will never falter, I will never give up on you even if you give up on me… I will always be your love Mackey. I will always be your one. You will always be mine. And we will always be together. I love you.