She’s always had this feeling of longing. She’s never been able to go to bed without telling someone good night. She’s never been a day without telling someone her thoughts at every minute. She’s addicted to be heard, to being wanted, to being loved. Even in grade school, it was one boyfriend to the next. Every time she thought this was the one. This was it. He was….. not the one. But look at that guy, he could be the one. And so on and so on.
Maybe it was because she grew up with two parents that rarely showed love to each other, has she even see them kiss in her 19 years of being alive? Maybe it’s because her brother seemed to be in a 2 year, 3 year, 4 year relationship throughout middle and high school. She wanted that, too. That feeling of having someone there for you, no matter what, somebody to kiss you and tell you your flaws make you beautiful.
But, finding that lasting love is trialing and draining. Nobody had the same mindset as her, she never wanted to just have fun… She wanted that love, not lust. So, she settled with what she could get and numbed her disappointment with various media. When she realized what cough syrup could do you if you drank enough, well that was it, that was what she chased, it was amazing. Then she found some pain killers in the medicine cabinet, a quick goggle search led her to taking 2 or 3 at a time, chasing it with some cough syrup and letting the fantasies take center stage.
However, the reason why she was searching for love so badly started to surface and soon enough, she couldn’t ignore it anymore. She couldn’t find a way to love herself, was that really it? But, maybe someone else could show her how to. She kept settling… and settling… and sett….sipping, swallowing and passing out.
She couldn’t find someone to love her the way she wanted, she couldn’t love herself the way she should have, she could only keep chasing the one thing she knew she could get.
By then it became a routine, every night before bed. Then every morning she would puke her guts out and text her latest infatuation “good morning *insert pet name here*!!”. It wasn’t enough though, it was never enough. She kept getting her heart broken because damnit, NOBODY would just love her the way she wanted so badly to be loved. So, she kept up the routine and found another guy to try and get him to love her.
What she doesn’t know is one day she will find that guy, but by then she’ll be so used to her regular routine she’ll overlook him and keep moving. Keeping up that routine. She’ll be the hopeless romantic that’s too hopeless to realize what she has right in front of her. She’ll forever be searching for the love that she obliviously passed by.